


Shades of Grey

by phantisma



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-10-08
Updated: 2006-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-13 07:04:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phantisma/pseuds/phantisma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For the Dark!Xander ficathon, Buffy & Willow find Xander & Dawn after something terrible has happened.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Shades of Grey

**Author's Note:**

> This is something rather different for me. The story is told by Xander, in sort of stream of consciousness thought bubbles, punctuated only be bits of dialogue from other characters.

_“Oh my God, Xander! What have you done!”_

Spend enough time in the dark, and daylight can be disorienting. I never wanted this, never made the conscious choice to let myself get swallowed up by the shadows and darkness and demons and vampires. I never consciously chose not to either. I just did what I do…followed.

_“Dawnie! Can you hear me? Xander, move!”_

Once upon a time I was a fairly normal kid. Sure, I wasn’t the popular guy, a bit of a dork. But I thought I knew what was what. I had Willow and Jesse and there was an order to my existence. That all ended the day that Buffy came to Sunnydale High. I didn’t even know it, not that first time I spotted her. Not even a week later. Not even when I learned what a Slayer was.

_“Willow, help me. Xander, get out of the way!”_

There are things no one should know about, especially not when they’re still in high school. Not that I’m making excuses. It felt right to help…for all I did to help. I was donut guy and research guy and get-out-of-the-way guy, and sometimes repair guy. Once or twice I was I-told-you-so guy. Like that whole thing with Angel. If they’d listened to me….well who knows. Maybe a few people would still be alive who aren’t today.

_“Spike, Spike! Stop staring and be useful. Get Xander out of the way.”_

I think it all changed when Jesse died…well, when he fell to dust on top of me. Sometimes I wonder if he’s still here inside of me somewhere. Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if it had been me instead. Would he be here, where I am now? Would he have made the same choices?

_“She’s got a pulse. Willow?”_

I’m a simple guy, not so big on the shades of gray. Which is funny, if you think about it. That’s all there really is after the sun goes down, you know. Shades of gray…mysterious, vague. Its no wonder it’s so easy to get lost in the dark. It lacks definition. It lacks purpose. Kind of like me.

_“Dawnie, Dawnie….come on, wake up.”_

Thing of it is, I’ve always known…well, maybe not always, but I’ve known for a long time. I moved through the dark, shadowing the others, the ones who belonged there. I never did.

_“Xander, can you hear me?”_

I got bitter. Donut guy and research guy and get-the-fuck-out-of-the-way guy disappeared inside of I-see-you guy, inside Still-Mortal guy…one of the two non-super hero Scoobies. I can’t blame them. Buffy is…well Buffy, the Slayer, the chosen one, Wonder Woman and Supergirl all rolled into one. She didn’t ask for it, sometimes she didn’t even want it.

_“Spike? Spike?”_

Willow…she’s easier to blame. She made choices. She became Witch Willow. Maybe I took her for granted, maybe if I’d been…smarter or something she wouldn’t have had to leave me behind the way she did. Maybe I should have left, like Cordelia did.

_“Oh my god!”_

Dawn…Dawn is more like me than the others…even if she was once some mystical energy being. Maybe that’s why I love her so much. Need her. Someone like me, no destiny, no superpowers. We’re kin, of a kind. Flesh and blood. So much blood.

_“Buffy, stop. She’s gone.”_

I never wanted this. Fought it. I fought hard too. They’ll never know that. Never know that I died fighting their battle, never know how many of them I took with me, never see the piles of ash. It was too windy last night. They’ll only see me, what I’ve done…one bloody deed to erase my entire life.

_“Spike, what happened?”_

Spike. Spike happened. Okay, to be fair, it wasn’t his fault. He tried…hell, I’m not sure what he tried. But in the end, he tried. Maybe he really didn’t realize how this would go down…but I can’t believe that. He’s a vampire. Has been a vampire a long time. Maybe he has a chip that tames him. Maybe its love that tamed him. He’s still a fucking vampire.

_“Buffy….I tried to…”_

Of course, at this point, I’m one to talk, right? Donut guy, research guy, get-the-fuck-out-of-the-way guy, even I-see-you guy…they’re gone. Still-Mortal guy, not so much. The outside still looks the same…but inside…that guy is gone.

_“We need to go.”_

The taste of blood is not what I expected…or its different now. The hot sticky feeling in my mouth should be repulsive. It’s fitting somehow that we’re here, makes the dying part convenient. The crypt felt cold when I woke, but the cemetery air was warm. Not warm like Dawn, but warm, and smelling like flowers.

_“Not until you explain this.”_

Like this can be explained, or should be…or should need to be. You’re the Slayer, right? Stop with the tears already. I’m not going to sit here and wait for you forever. Finish it.

_“Buffy. Finish it.”_

Or I will. You know I will.

_“No…Dawnie, please…Xander?”_

She won’t wake until tomorrow. Maybe we’ll go away somewhere when she does. We never belonged in the dark with the others. Even her name tells you that. Now though…I’ve embraced the dark for both of us, haven’t I?

_“They’re gone, Buffy. Finish it.”_

She won’t. I already know it. Her tender heart is broken, I can smell the grief. Its worse than the thing with Angel. She’ll run away. She’s going to have to work her way up to ending it, because I’m Xander…always there guy, hopeless crush guy, best friend guy…and Dawn, well she’s more than that. So she won’t. Not tonight.

_“Why is he just sitting there?”_

If I move, will she come for me? Maybe. But I sit and wait because that’s what I do…because I may be dead, but I’m not quite ready to walk away. Like Spike, I circle around the Slayer. Even if I’m not the guy I was, she’s a part of me. I wonder if he’ll tell her. I wonder if I’ll get to taste her.

_“Buffy, his…face…”_

Willow’s starting to get it, and if that face isn’t the sweetest thing I’ve seen since I woke up…fear, anguish. She’s crying. Willow’s crying as she gets it. I can taste the salt. If I lick my lips she might scream.

_“Xander?”_

Shades of grey, degrees of darkness. When you walk that line it’s easy to forget…once you cross it, it gets hard to remember. They never expected it from me. Buffy’s face is priceless. I haven’t seen that look since Angelus. Maybe its time, take the body and go. She’s not going to end it.

_“Buffy, I’m sorry.”_

Spike’s got bigger balls than I gave him credit for. Buffy will kill him when she figures it out, chip or no. She’ll blame him for Dawn, if not for me. Oh she’ll blame me too, but watching her beat the crap out of him would make me happy. After all, I didn’t ask for this…and he didn’t exactly ask me if I wanted it, did he?

_“What?”_

Lost. After everything she’s the one who’s lost. I’m the one who’s dead, and she’s lost. I’ve finally found my place in the dark. Got a taste for it now you might say. Not the only thing I’ve got a taste for tonight.

_“He was dying, love.”_

And now I’m dead. Damn but that vampire makes everything so dramatic.

_“So you…what?”_

He killed me, Buff. Killed me dead and bled all over my face…made me like him, only without the leash. Yeah, way to go big guy. Cry. That will convince her. What about the rest? You going to tell her why?

_“Oh my god, Buffy…what if he…what if he turned Dawn?”_

There’s my Willow. The smart one. Leave it to her to figure it out. Course, next comes the magic thing.

_“I have to go, supplies. We…we can curse them, like Angel.”_

Like hell. Like fucking hell. I’m not like dead-guy…well accept for the part where I am dead guy. If she thinks I’m waiting around to be cursed, she obviously doesn’t know me very well.

_“Go. We’ll…get them back to the house.”_

She’s crying and coming for me. Dawn’s easier, Dawn is still down, no fight there. And Spike is torn, staring at the two of us as if staring will solve anything. So fucking dramatic, no wonder Angel despises him. Now here I am stuck with a drama-queen as a Sire.

_“Xander, I’m not going to hurt you.”_

Right. You’re the Slayer. I’m a…oh, just say it Xander…Vampire. I’m a vampire. And you aren’t going to hurt me. Right.”

_“Xander, stop. Don’t.”_

Slayer’s blood is different. Like triple shot espresso.

_“Xander! Xander!”_

She should have known, you know. And, Spike. Stop the whining.

_“Xander, what have you done?”_

Shades of gray, my ass. Embrace the dark.


End file.
